Really? I like piss-wizard as an insult.
If that doesn't do it for you, how about the fact that last night, after watching your Mum go air-tight with three Alsations, she told me how she once caught you doing the five-knuckle shuffle over a picture you'd made, of Harold Shipman's face pasted onto a photo of a six year old girl being given a golden shower and a pear necklace by the entire Welsh men's choir... and a kangaroo.